This is by far the most personal blog post I have written. I have had so much to say for so long but the thoughts were jumbled, the words were a mess and every time I started to type I became blank. Now that I’ve saturated the thoughts in the Word and processed the words first with the Lord, my fingers are free to type…so type I will.
The last three months have been hard. And humbling. I’ve literally cried until tears wouldn’t come and wept until the sobs turned silent. Yes, things happened that cause the pain, but ultimately it was the God peeling off layers of me that I didn’t know existed. Parts of myself I had embraced so tightly that they melted into who I was and disappeared into “me”, making up who I had become.
Outwardly, this was fine. I could have lived my whole life as I was, but God. BUT GOD. In all of His mercy wouldn’t leave it at that. Instead, He used a life changing, fiercely private pain to reveal, drastically change and restore almost everything. Literally. That pain I have let go into His loving hands…it’s not to share. It’s not the focus. The focus is so much bigger!
In the midst of great turmoil, I was listening to a podcast (of a pastor & friend) and he told a story of a man who was an unbeliever who asked a believer to show Him Gods mercy in the story of Job, the man in the Bible who basically lost everything (sons, daughters, livelihood) in one day. The believer answered, “God could have left him just as he was.” Uh, ya. That would have been a lot less painful, but it would not have been more beneficial. (Read it for yourself, interpret it however the Spirit moves your heart – this is how God moved in my heart.)
He could have left me just as I was too. But He didn’t. He broke me. Every single part of me. Even the parts I deemed unbreakable. All of it in a heap of a mess. I looked at myself and I looked all around me and all I saw was devastation. So I ran. I ran (with the help of a great woman of God & hours and hours of wise counsel) right into my Father’s arms. I could have turned and ran toward myself and what I wanted and thought was “right”, but I didn’t. I chose Him, His ways and His plan.
I let go of me, my plans, my (hard fought for) defense mechanisms and my fear of love. I chose to embrace Him & His plans (no matter how painful). Job 23:10…He knows. He knew. He knew what it would take to change everything. And as hard as it has been, it has been the best thing for me. Jeremy said it perfectly the other day in a conversation (with the above mentions woman of God and her husband the podcast pastor) when he said, “You know, I could look at 2016 and curse it but when I stop & think about it, I will probably look back on this year and say it was the best year we have had spiritually. It changed everything.” He’s right. It was hard, it was painful but it was beneficial and I am coming out as gold.
We have so many plans as a couple and a family for this year! Pray for us: strength for our marriage, guidance in ministry and the leading of the Holy Spirit in every area.