I have a confession…

We have been in Mexico for one year, one month and 13 days. Today, my heart hurts. I finally let it hurt.

When we moved from the US to Mexico, we left a lot. Kids, parents, ministry…everything. For the last year, I've been (in my heart) preoccupied with leaving my older kids. You guys, that's hard. Yes, they are adults. But, I'm not there. I wasn't there when my son totaled his car. I wasn't there when the grand girls needed a sitter. I wasn't there when one our older kiddos just needed an ear (up until recently, I would have been the last person who would have been a ear). I missed it.

I chose to not be there. I chose to leave. And today, that's heart wrenching. Today, I see pictures of our first ministry family on Facebook going to the beach…and I'm sad. I'm sad I'm not there. I'm sad I missed it. I'm sad.

The choice was not easy. Maybe I made it look easy b/c that's who I am. A strong front, normally. But it wasn't easy. It isn't easy. I miss: my son, my daughters Life gave me, my grand girlies, my mom, my friends, the home we all lived in, our ministry in Visalia. I miss it. I miss them. All of them. All of it.

Finally, I let it hurt. It's not a convenient time: one of our only days off, no kids in the house, BBQ going & I have tears in my eyes. Thinking about what I left. Every face, experience, birthday, milestone…everything.

So, this is the ugly. Every picture of the beach cannot make this hurt less. Every good thing that happens here doesn't erase the loss. The mission field isn't all smiling faces and beautiful sunsets. Sometimes, today, it's memories, time that's been missed and tears.

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4 thoughts on “I have a confession…”

  1. Thank you for sharing! I can’t imagine what that’s like. Leaving everything behind. You are a blessing and you are doing great things for the kingdom, I know that doesn’t help when you are hurting and I’m sorry! I’m truly sorry’ hugs and prayers!

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  2. I met you on a rainy weekend in February while on a mission trip with Cornerstone. I didn’t get to spend time with you or work on your home, but you and your family inspired me beyond belief. I don’t know what you are feeling, but I do know I want to be just like you when I grow up! God bless you my friend. Your sacrifices are for God’s glory and I thank you for that! ❤❤❤❤

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  3. Thats the part where you choose to be a slave for Christ. The part where you suffer for Christ. Your children all know and understand. Those that watch what you do for Christ understand. Many not only envy what you do. They wish they had the endurance and dedication you do. I say keep your chin up and walk proud. People are watching and the rewards are out of this world. Love you Lindsay!

    Liked by 1 person

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