We have been in Mexico for one year, one month and 13 days. Today, my heart hurts. I finally let it hurt.
When we moved from the US to Mexico, we left a lot. Kids, parents, ministry…everything. For the last year, I've been (in my heart) preoccupied with leaving my older kids. You guys, that's hard. Yes, they are adults. But, I'm not there. I wasn't there when my son totaled his car. I wasn't there when the grand girls needed a sitter. I wasn't there when one our older kiddos just needed an ear (up until recently, I would have been the last person who would have been a ear). I missed it.
I chose to not be there. I chose to leave. And today, that's heart wrenching. Today, I see pictures of our first ministry family on Facebook going to the beach…and I'm sad. I'm sad I'm not there. I'm sad I missed it. I'm sad.
The choice was not easy. Maybe I made it look easy b/c that's who I am. A strong front, normally. But it wasn't easy. It isn't easy. I miss: my son, my daughters Life gave me, my grand girlies, my mom, my friends, the home we all lived in, our ministry in Visalia. I miss it. I miss them. All of them. All of it.
Finally, I let it hurt. It's not a convenient time: one of our only days off, no kids in the house, BBQ going & I have tears in my eyes. Thinking about what I left. Every face, experience, birthday, milestone…everything.
So, this is the ugly. Every picture of the beach cannot make this hurt less. Every good thing that happens here doesn't erase the loss. The mission field isn't all smiling faces and beautiful sunsets. Sometimes, today, it's memories, time that's been missed and tears.